Nawa Tobi

why cant i do things right....

i dunno anymore...im missing the efficiency that everyone at work has.
i always felt that i cant do things right...
ysterday was yet another disaster..
how come im so slow..
i seem to have set my priorities in things wrongly..
after 1 yr at work...what have i learn?
well..its not nthing i suppose..but i felt useless.
i need to keep up.
pacing myself dun work
feeling so fail...
why/? why cant i do it right?
why am i so slow at this?
which is more important?
fck...am i really...suited for this?
PBP review is coming...what the heck am i suppose to write?
i dunno...

fears

my team is slowly ignoring me....i dunno what to feel about this.
are they hating me cos of my incompetence? i have no idea, i stll have the innate fear they are plotting something against me.
my back might have alrdy have some knives already.
dunno...dun rly wanna care...but i knw i cant leave it alone.

...

its situation like this that i really REALLY dread going to work...or to face my colleague. when the things u cant solve and they solve it. it gives a feeling of "you are incompetent"....the look on their faces tells it all....it shows...dammit it all.

things i aim to get: a new desktop PC

was searching through forums for a decent PC that can support proper gaming as well as a decent function as how a computer should be.

saw this DIY rig :

Intel i5-4570 3.2Ghz
Asrock B85M-PRO
DDR3 1600Mhz CL11 Crucial 8GB single
SAMSUNG 24X Retail
WD 1TB Blue
MSI GTX760 Twin Frozr Gaming 2GB
Seasonic 520W S12-II
CoolerMaster N200 USB3.0 (non-window)

$1120


although it is $1120 for jus the CPU build. i am quite satisfied with it. now im lacking:
2x 24" SAMSUNG LCD monitor
1x Razor Tarantula keyboard 2013 edition
1x Razor mousepad
1x wireless port.
total cost should be around 1.6K.

software:
- windows 7
- microsoft office


time to save up.

something i have been thinking about after reading news about singapore.

Hmm.....if someone ask me what i wish for the future of Singapore, it will be "either the complete destruction of AWARE or a complete reform of what they are doing" empowering women =/= equality. Because what they are doing is an indirect legalization to restricting male rights. The overlooking of some type of offenses because "sucks to be you, ppl will believe me as im a girl than no one will believe you as you are a guy". 

nowadays in modern day society, women are confused over where to draw the line. as technology gets more sophisticated, more influence of western cluturere resulting in more and more women are becoming independent, the lines for women rights become blurred. women are no longer the weaker sex as they claim themselves to be. they are highly calculative and manipulative because of the rights that they got and think they are entitled to that life-long warranty. 

in Singapore, from a guy POV, the cardinal law is just unfair towards males. protecting the females is fine and all. but hey, arent you protecting them too much? it has come to a point where it become a loophole for women to make use of. guys are like slave for girls now. they are pampered too much. so much so that they are arrogant, and think of boys as nthing more than some manipulative living things. SG is a heaven for girls because of AWARE and hell for guys there is no organisation to protect them. read the laws if u got the time. disagree/agree i leave it up to you. 
 

so long as they act the victim, guys will comfirm lose. i mean the first logic will be " how could you make her cry?" "what? she was against it but u did it anyway, u monster" examples could go on and on. maybe i read too much mangas and watch too much drama that show that being a man means we should never, in whatever circumstances, make a girl cry because that would be ungentlemanly and unmanly. well, as much as i love reading this type of stories. its complete bullshit to withstand the venomous words they throw at you. but sry, as much as i bottled all this up. when i snapped, dun go crying and say imma a big bully and shout at a girl. well u can go fck urself for that. 

in conclusion, singapore society is fucked up in my point of view. but i will still live in this country because, its singapore. pros and cons. but i will live with it. but if there was ever a big red button that say "push for AWARE'S DESTRUCTION" i will push it without hesitation, hell, i might even push it afew more times.

jap trip...finally

recently had a pretty dam rushed proposal to go japan in jan. nice.
it will be my first time :
- in japan
- experiencing winter as it really is
- booking a budget airline
- going free and easy to a country i always wanted to go but dun have the opportunity to.
- going overseas with just friends and no one else.
- with no tour guide
- having a real vacation in almost 5yrs.


there has been earlier plans for it but was always called off because i couldn't afford it...
i dunno wad push me towards this direction. but i have decided upon it.
i realise wad it means to travel.
since im travelling, what are the things i have to settle, the relevant paperworks and such.
i would nd to inform mindef that im travelling.
i would nd to apply leave nxt yr. because i cant apply now.
and i need to save up approx 2500sgd jus in case. and to exchange for japanese yen. may be aws shine upon me. i would really nd the saving.

seems like a far cry from the last payout from my previous workplace. hopefully, i can save more. ><
i need it for my jap trip. i have mentally plan out what to do...but its in ideal stage. lol my plans often crumbles when it applies to real life situations.

but all in all, i think its a good chance for me to go relax myself...my mum have been enjoying cruise trips alot of times haha...my dad..is also thinking of vacationing...just that there is no tour available for the place he wants to go...heh...
as for me i take it as a time where i reclaim the lost experience.
finally, this whole family of 4 have gone to japan.
my bro went japan for exchange
my parents went japan for vacation
where am i? im in poly studying and doing my fyp. fml. during all those times...i miss out on all those....im determined to get even with it.

but this trip might be really worth the while to travel. :D

an overview of this year

hi all,

i am finally back here to my blog and check out the amount of dust it had gathered! *coughcough* haha.
well now, what shall i write about this time....alot has happened since my last post. where shall i start?
hmm...i think i should start off with...my final few days in TAB mdc bah.

now that im an NSmen this really takes me back :)

i have met so many kinds of ppl, face many different kind of challenges. though as much as i whine about how fcked up my nsf life is...im actually kinda nostalgic and grateful for the experience i had in TAB mdc, one of the place of memories.

prior to my ORD in nov, i am a 2IC (i was to become an IC but i was alrdy gonna ORD in nov...there is simply no point) in my admin department. and wad i do is book appointments and registering report sicks, doing paperwork for FFIs and such...replying email was a new thing to me back when i first started. but im glad i took up the skill on how to use it. anyway...those boring admin stories are quite boring and i have alrdy mentioned them before in my past posts. haha. anyway, to sum it up, i realise i have 2mths+ of off and leave to clear before i ORD and i have already comfirmed with my senior medic to put me on overseas detachment if possible. and so i was send to taiwan for 3wks in oct. haha sort of the best exp in my entire ns life i would say. that said, i nd to plan for my off and leave also. so i decided to 1 shot clear everything. and took leave on sept, nov. and 1st wk of oct. yea...im a bad senior, even my senior said so...im sorry ><.
coming bck only to do ord FFI...but i tried my best to impart everything that i know to milfred (my next in line) my junior and a capable IC. i never regretted choosing him to admin , but he regretted choosing to go into admin hahaha....but anyways, the events that followed is that after i came back from taiwan , i was preped for AFA12. YES the event that i have so waited and anticipated for the past few months is finally here!!. its my first time going to a concert, a jap one somemore. so i was very excited. had the most wonderful time of my life there.

and yes this year marks the 2nd time im going for AFA13 I<3anisong along...pity="" anime.="" are...well="" are="" concert.="" dun="" female="" friends="" have="" i="" in="" informed="" interested="" jio-ed="" much="" my="" of="" p="" pretty="" some="" that="" they="" those="" well="" xd.="">
looking forward to it AFA13!!! woots!

wad to do *shrug*

nobody to confide to.
nobody i can trust
i cannot trust anyone who will be willing to listen yet dun speak abt it.
yes if thats the case, the wall is my best friend
it will keep mum to wad i say 4ever.
its a home i return to,
but we live in different worlds.
do i live my life base on ur dreams?
or am i just living ur dream.
i dunno wad i want
yet i dunwan to be defeated.
face with a choice now.
fly or not.
to fly might mean expensive course.
brother say this kind of course take in money only. not sustain my future.
but i will be a comercial pilot.
and that will be the only path ahead of me till i retire.
is that really the path i want to take?
i want to, i wish to. will there be a chance?
a chance without costing too much money?
several times i see my education standards and ask myself where i go wrong.
im losing my purpose in life.
yet again, im lost. im scared.
but i cant find solace in anybody.
def. not friends. cant be relatives. and even family.
the only person i trust is me.
yet sometimes i doubt myself.
that is the irony of philip.
what do i want to do?
and if i want to do it, will it implicate other ppl?
im scared of making mistakes, yet i know that lessons are not learnt without mistakes.
the 1st step is always so frightening.
i can never get used to it.
i cant find an answer to myself.
i dunwan to continue working in tds
i want to find something to do
something i like
and that might just be
flying.
question is: am i qualified?
i could i am, but others would say im not.
i value opinions of others more than myself most of the time.
and will tend to sway if theres even a little self doubt in my opinion.
i feel like a failure.
when my brother is doing better than me.
i want to get out of the house.
so as not to implicate them.
i feel like a excess lump of meat to them now.
and i want out.
i dunno why i cant depend on them.
i want to, but i cant
i cant get over the feeling of having to repay them when...u might not need to!
but is that really the case? really?
why am i living like this?
im feeling very troubled.
not motivated
no sense of urgency.
why i say so much things?
yes i have a low self esteem.
i get into the "okay lor" mood really easily.
i do not want to argue.
i will just go ur way
and if im right in the end.
hey, wad i say wouldnt salvage the situation.
wonder when's the time i have started to close off the relations i once had with my family.
should be ever since i did kind of badly during one of my education years. the dreaded parent-teacher meet.
pri 5 trauma, sec 3 dark years.
i have no right
i have no say
and i long to be free one day

unbind the chains that restrain me
unseal the seals that bind me
bestow me with energy
to live my life
and i shall be free.

lol my cant forget how my brother told me that "i dunno you"
i fail as a brother,
as a family member,
as a human being arent i?

Dreams n goals in my life

Hhi, today i writing about my dreams and my goals in life.

Before this post, i haven't been giving this topic much thought....not as much as these few days.
When i reflect on these past 23 years of my life, i realize how insignificant i am. I am weak. I have nothing in my name. My brother who is 18 yrs old have a much better resume than me. Believe that?
People say that the hardest thing in life is taking the 1st step. I agree, but do u know wads the next hardest thing? Its how to continue forward again n again after u have fallen or stop.

In my case, i stop chasing my dream to become a pilot after i graduate from sec sch. For those may know me since sec sch, my cca i SYFC aka Singapore youth flying club. Its a very nice club n quite frankly, i really enjoy my time there. Because of this club, i got to have the experience to even touch the controls while being the co- pilot of the piper warrior II. Heh...even now when i think of this, nt everyone got to have this experience. Anyway, after i graduate from sec sch and enter poly, i decided not to join the youth fling club anymore because i found out that the school wont sponsor my PPL course. And also because i want to try out new cca...i regretted that decision abit though....but at that point of time i rly do not have the financial ability to pursue the course. Then as time passes by i slowly forgot About the PPL course.

Then i graduated from NP with a diploma in mechanical engineering. Not something that i wanted, but i had hope that i could use that diploma to get what i originally wanted : aerospace engineering because i want to touch a plane...i want to fix it. and ultimately, i want to fly it. and got enlisted in army where i spent 2 years of my life there as an nsf.

during my BMT, i had hope i can opt for the pilot course. that of course, need a degree. but wad i do not know at that point of time is. if i pass everything, the RSAF would give me a scholarship to study for the aerospace degree. and became a jet pilot. and as fate like to toy with us as always, i gt posted to Tengah Airbase as a combat medic in a medical center. thats like the closest place i can have to a real aircraft. when i heard the posting. i was exhilarated. its like i have attain one of the goals in my life : to work in an Airbase. an actual airbase.

then as months went by i got used to the life in the air base. and got a mixture of feelings about it. happy about the memories, sad about the partings, angry over those fcked up superiors and patients. and if i want to recall it now, time passes very quickly. although time seems to slow down in there. but when u look at it again. wow, 2 years have alrdy pass and i have alrdy ORD. during the few months i have before i ord, i was thinking of what am i going to do about my future? do i really want to jus scoop ice cream until i retire? no thats not wad i want. but with that exp. wad can i do with it? then at that point of time, i heard that josephine , my junior at tds, had quit tds to join SIA. and she manage to get in and now working at an air stewardess full time. i feel happy for her and thought it aint bad to follow her footstep. i ask around, mainly ask her abt the job scope. feel rly excited about it. but then it hit me, my weight is a problem. i have not been exercising and my weight had bounce back to when i havent enlist plus add afew more kilos. i started to get depress and lost my motivation. everytime i said i wanted to lose weight but its all but words. empty words. and im not proud of it. i wonder how can i improve on my self discipline.

few days ago, my father cut a advert for me to see, its about the pilot training program and it has open its intake for april. i was really ready to pounce on that chance. but then as i find out more info abt the course i realise the course is SGD$138K. yes its $138,000 for the whole course. and although it can be broken down into 9 installments and my dad said he is willing to loan me that amount. i still feel guilty abt the money.
so i search for other alternative ways to get the cadet pilot course WITHOUT using my father's money. have but the application form really hit me hard. in the education section there is nothing for me to fill cause they only accept degree holders. >.>".

this really hit home hard. do i have wad it takes to be a pilot? where did i go wrong? i lost my way ever since i gotten my results for my O lvls. its not grand. my poly GPA is chui also.

i alrdy think for far too long.
don't think, just do it.
#YOLO

hopefully, i will be more decisive, and more determined for this year onwards.

Rented feelings

Rmb during the last post that i mention that my brother ask if i felt i belong to this family anot...i sometimes felt it, sometimes not. That is, i feel like im jus a tentant living in a rented room.except that i dun pay rent.....sometimes i rly want to gt out of the house. I am growing more and more impatient.....my patience is running thin, but i think it would take more than that to make me snapped.

But why issit that i feel like this? I dunno either....might be because im alrdy 23 and still a part timer? And wondering wad to do with my life? Might be cause im stress over how am i going to survive in singapore?

there is just no point.....

there is no point in arguing....
wad done is done
fight for wad....
wad am i defending for?
im in the wrong and thats it
nthing to fight for...its late alrdy
say wad u want
i dun care anymore
i want to move out of the house and be independent soon.
let me wallow in loneliness myself
my brother said he dunno how to talk to me
scared i will angry at wad he say...
very difficult to understand/know me.
really meh?
i dunno myself...
sometimes i put myself over others
sometimes i jus dun care
i am selfish, and mostly only get interested in things that affects me...other than that....i rly couldnt be bothered.
he ask if i actually cared for my family
i did, and i still care for them....
jus in a different way
but sometimes when emotions ran high
i want out.
jus to be on my own with my freedom.
ah well...
wad done is done
the least we can do is move forward
and when we look back....the road behind us alrdy disappeared.
there is nthing u can bring back...except memories.

1st step and lots of thinking

woke up at 10am this time....holy shit, i am getting worst!
decided to skip exercise for today...something i will regret but...oh wells.
stone in the morning till around afternoon, then proceed to go to work.
the feeling of being at home with nthing to do...is really getting to me.
i want to do something but the....the laziness gets the better of me.
i need to control my diet too....yesterday had dinner with dave and had jap food for dinner....so carbs are soo....sinful. then we go akb48 cafe because dessert wasnt satisfying enough ;D. im alrdy going into calorie debt liao....haiz...somemore today i never make an attempt to "repay" my debts. so now im hoping the "interest" wont roll hahaha.

i really wonder what am i going to do after i ord.
should i study?
-currently i only had a mechanical diploma with not so good results
should i go and work?
- currently aiming for a job but 1st i had to go thru the interviews 1st.
if not, what should i do?
-not in any position to go for an extended holiday vacation.
 wad is my nxt step in life?
from primary school, i look forward to : secondary school
from secondary school, i look forward to : study at poly
from poly, i look forward to : army
so after army, what should i do?

if you ask me, i want to do the things i like. and that is to be on a plane. either to pilot it or be a cabin crew is fine. and because im in the service industry for quite some time now. i really wanna try out to serve in the air.
what i really want to though, is to fly a plane. but i was restricted. by my family, by my parents.
they were under the impression that signing on in the army will not give /provide me with a good future. but then deep in my heart, i want to. at least go for the trial exams to see if i'm eligible for the pilot course. but i was disappointed to know that to be a pilot, u need to have a degree in aerodynamics....and with my diploma results, it just depress me further. im still regretting the fact that i did not sign up for the pilot course while i was in bmt....so now im stuck in this choice: where should i go and what should i do?

im beginning to hate it whenever my father ask me "wad are u going to do after u ROD? (his term of saying ORD because he cant differentiate ORD and ROD even after i have explained to him)" because, if he had not stop me from signing on, i would be training as a ME1 as an AMS technician? or that im probably will be in australia training for my pilot course. but he manage to dissuade me from signing on despite the fact that i told him that working in the airforce is counted as working experience. but being not wanting to go against him and fight even more. i relented, and so, now i face with a choice : work or study.
i want to be a pilot and fly a commercial plane. but to do that you will need alot of license. and does licenses couldnt be gotten like how u get ur driving license. if you ask me, flashing your ATPL license is at other ppl is btr than flashing ur driving license. why? because not everyone get a pilot license thats why.
so....i have my own plans. and i dun plan to let my parent feed me.
but i need to take my 1st step into the real world 1st.
and like they said, the 1st step is always the hardest step to take.
==============================================================
its always time time time and always TIME.
there is a time and place for everything and schedules are a must to keep.
priorities are given to important task at hand and last min. request will be rejected unless (e.g. somebody died, my wife went into labour, i have free time on hand, schedules are still free enough to shift and move around)

oops, too late liao, shall explain in another time. chiao XD

self training #1

tell myself last night i will wake up at revelie timing : 0545.
did not manage to do so.
wake up at 0700. then laze around until now.
gotta work on my discipline.

random post #1

wow, so long never post liao, suddenly see the new posting design seems so foreign lol..

anyway. its been a long time since i enlist...almost 2years le...so fast.

i feel that im losing the professionalism i once had while working before i enlist.

-treat each customer as a new guy, not customer no.2. because he has a different request from the 1st one
-dun place ur own problems onto other ppl. we all go through shit everyday, but dun take it out on the customers.
-smile whenever possible, cos it really does provide a more welcoming physical appearance
-provide help whenever possible.
-going the extra mile? no problem. (ppl appreciate ur help)
-when shit happens, focus on settling the customer's request 1st.
-and when customers start to throw shit at u, dun throw it back. things will never settle that way.

a tiring recollection....maybe reflection?

im tired...just so tired.
many a times i feel like i should just fuck care everything and let time past by
but i know i cant,
i know my mindset wont allow me to
i just cannot take it when there are things not done infront of me
i have the urge to finish it.
i cant just "fuck it"
i can choose to ignore, but for how long?
i cant trust myself enough to know if wad im doing is correct.
many a times i would check and recheck the mails to do if i left anything behind
i would always ask my colleagues to proof-read my mails before i send out.
to be honest, im scared of mistakes
i know thats wad that will make me learn and move forward
but that is still a mistake.
as 2 generations of medics came in already,
in a flash of an eye, im already a senior
teaching the juniors wad to do and wad not to do,
what to look out for and what expect in some certain situation
i have my own fair share of resus. exp.
i have not personally encounter a death case ( one which im directly involved) nor do i want to be in one.
i have seen patients ranging from chao kengs to unconscious patients,
those that walk in to those that have to be stretchered in.

and now, im a one year plus soldier waiting to ORD and get back my pink IC.
but it is at this critically junction that i start to ponder something i pondered real hard before i enlist.

that is :
to work 1st? or study 1st?

in my line of work as a admin medic, i handle the triage area as well as registering of patients. therefore im normally conversed well with the patients and they always ask me this question :
"when u ORD?" and " whats ur plan after u ORD?" with this, i would normally smile and say "work lo~ no uni will want me with my poly grades"

most of them would tell me to study 1st.
but then my point of view is that i need money to study uni.
my father is the sole bread winner of the family and he is retiring soon
i need to get out to society to find work and be the nxt person to provide for the family.
i actually considered signing on.
and that was during my BMT days.
i wonder what kind of life i will be leading if i sign on there and then.
right now im planning to save up to go europe with my friends.
but i truly wonder if i will be able to hit the estimated budget by the time i ORD.
so many things in my head right now.
i cant say they are useless topics but they pretty much became part of my routine.
i cant get myself to relax,
i always have this mentality that somewhere someone will attack me
and therefore i must be on guard.
i panic easily,
i am also not the type that hunger or strive for glory.
i just do wad i feel that is needed to do.
i think that im in the service line for too long le
my recent appraisal i gt from base warrant is that i have provided good "customer service" and that impresses the serviceman.

my colleagues have been making fun of me for this appraisal , my new nickname is "NSF of the mth"
i would always tell them that im not and that i dun deserve the title. because its like a team effort to get things together....but...haiz they want to give me the title then i take lo lol...

as my seniors are all nearing their ORD already, they have begun their retardation process.
so thats left with me and milfred.
good thing milfred knows how to handle admin.
i trust him enough to let him solo...
heh...
-----------------------------------------------------------


till the end, im still searching for something/someone that can fill up my life.
still looking for someone that will accept the original me.

tiring worklife

by tml, i would have finish writing a feedback email back to ns section.
whatever happened today with the appointments, i've had enough.
today kena screwed by MO for appointments for at least 15mins to 30mins. literally had the life sucked out of me.
yesterday also the same...i hate it whenever someone just dunwan to move and make things difficult for us.
after that i take it out onto the problems with my senior medic. explaining the situation to him.



its been a difficult everyday battle in admin counter. dealing with impatient personnels is one thing, dealing with that fucked up NS section from HRMC is another.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
nowadays i get tired really easily...i know i nd rest but i also know i nd to do alot of other things...but sometimes...afternoon naps are just irresistible haha.

again, my birthday is coming again and this time i will be 23 le....time really fly. but then again, that day i wonder will i get anything that will really surprise me? i dunno, and doesnt expect much anymore.

random entry + abit of inner thoughts of a certain someone

nothing better to do tonight. might as well blog something before i go to slp.

if i were to give myself a diagnosis as per clinical entry format. this is what it would roughly look like lol>>>

NKDA
currently well
had previous episodes of emoness
had regular recurrent memory flashbacks
has not seek any psychologist advise
claims to be normal on the outside but inner thoughts shows otherwise
has no suicidal/self harm thoughts
has no malicious intent on others unless provoked
intents to ORD in peace
make as many friends as possible

heart: s1s2
lungs: clear
tonsils not enlarged
bloodshot eyes
left right cornea normal
normal ECG

c/o:
emptiness in soul

o/e:
sad individual
low self esteem
pride damaged

plan:
recommend psy treatment
excuse duties for 3month
recommend MBIA for temp downgrade to PES E
recommend to find girlfriend during this period

pt refuse psy treatment
said that he can cope with current situation
delighted to have 3month downgrade

-------------------''----------------------------''----------------''-------------

ah well...its a load of crap anyway.
everything here revolves around money.
no money cant do anything
they say money cant buy u happiness. thats bullshit
money is a critical factor to gain happiness
cos u need money to produce the happiness u wanted.
i want a house i need : money
i want to decorate my new home : money
so...money is still a critical factor.

gender equality? fuck this shit

read another case of teachers being blamed for being insensitive and unprofessional. and guess who is the one complaining? A FEMALE Student! of all the articles that i've read nearly all of those are complained by girls...teachers are also human, true, he may have said some rude remarks, but wad contributed him to say all those things? from MY point of view, both sides are in the wrong but i feel that the girl also need to reflect on her actions also. if its not for the fact that she said something offensive to the teacher, the teacher also wont retaliate back. its a pride thing. i call u a homo for no reason u think will you feel happy? same logic. then the media instead of balancing out both sides, instead stated that the girl said those pride damaging words "in jest". and that the teacher is in the wrong and show past articles on cases of teachers gone bad.

but hey i do the same thing to you lor! oh wait, i forgt, ur a girl, therefore u cant be wrong, u are just not sensitive to others and so just blurt it out in heat of the moment. therefore i am wrong because i retaliated and it caused damage to ur low self-esteem. PATHETIC!

the sister also question MOE how they choose their teachers. i on the other hand want to question that SISTER " instead of questioning the MOE, why dont you question ur sister also? ask her how come she can just pass snide remarks such as the words he said? sure, he use the the "fuck" so? does replacing it with "screw" makes the sentence any better? im sorry but the way i see it, you are just offended by the teacher who is an educator, role model...etc etc. but i want to remind you that he is still after all, a human being. and human being have feelings and pride. so do yourself a favour and reflect on this if you get it. good if not, then put yourself in our shoe, put yourself in the shoes of a guy who is an educator as well. there are some things we can swallow our pride and some things we couldn't . placing the blame all on the teacher is just too unfair to him. at least thats my point of view.

gender equality? screw this shit. there is no such thing as equality to begin with. nature make sure we are different. we have different physiques. there are things we can do and cannot do.

girls accidentally touch a guy and if we said "molest" we are branded as pussy and "wad the hell, she touch u leh! be happy instead can?"

a boy accidentally touch a girl and if she shout molest, the boy i can guarantee you. gone fuck le. even if he is innocent, he will be branded as a molester in the eyes of the public. no one will take pity on the guy. the guy is expected to pick himself up and suck it up.

i have no issues with girls in general, im just infuriated and fed up by on and on reports of guys being scrutinize here.

call me sexist but sometimes i feel that in most of the news reports, with the exception of rapes and obvious outrage of modesty the rest of the "crimes" shows that no doubt the guy is also wrong but he is also the victim.

i will be blunt about this : most girls in Singapore are spoilt.
girls in s'pore are too well protected to the point that they abuse the system.
all they need to do is just escalate her "cause of unjust" and everything will be solved.
in fact, the moment they reach the media, the guy lose liao...even if its a minor case of argument. the article will most likely be : " couple argues over _______, BOYFRIEND "shouted" loudly...etc etc"

i hate it whenever they say things like " the guy should have done this and do that" the fuck, WHY??! ISSIT BECAUSE OF THE SOLE FACT THAT HE IS A GOD DAMNED MALE? THAT'S WHY HE NEEDS TO DO THAT? IF THAT'S THE CASE THEN FEMALES SHOULD JUST FUCKING STAY IN THE KITCHEN! WHY? BECAUSE FUCK YOU THATS WHY! DONT ASK WHY WHEN U DEMAND THINGS TO BE DONE SOLELY BECAUSE YOU ARE A MALE/ FEMALE.

and they got the cheek to say " u sexist! i dont belong to the kitchen" yea well " neither am i ur bitch, so quit telling me to help you just because you are a girl" u want equality? god gave us hands and legs, i see u got that as well. so fucking use it" i am helping you because its my own goodwill. help do not need reason, u need help i help not because i am a guy and so its only right i help. and so you jus concentrate on ur shopping and me carrying ur bags. no fuck you. im not your bitch nor slave. get this right, i can always jus drop ur bags and just fuck off if u piss me off. the only reason why guys dun do that is because of public image. we THINK before we act. because if we dun and kick up a big fuss. WE are in trouble NOT you. you will become the victim and guy will get it from the public. the girl dun even need to do anything. and they wont even bother to ask how come the guy will explode with rage. ending with the absolute verdict "the guy is at fault"

been feeling rather empty up till now, i realise. i dun have much time left! in just a flash im alrdy 22 and nxt yr feb i will be 23! im alrdy taking my 1st step on the middle age phase. this is the 1st time i truly felt old...not to mention pathetic. the mere number 23 sound like the age where i shld be making money like no tml. striving to earn a stable income and sustain a family but no...im still in NS, pondering what to do with my future.

so many expectations to meet. so many conditions to fulfill.
giving up my dream to meet up with the current reality.
call my determination half fucked. YEA AND SO?
i lack neither time nor requirement for it.
i lack money to pursue
i lack time to find a job and earn an income big enough to support

and thinking of "i lack this and that" really irritates me to no end.
but then time wont jus take pity on me and stop so that i can catch up
can tell u this>
-i can a car but gt no license
but to get a license i nd to pass my TP test which in turn needed money as well
-i hope to get a girlfriend someday
but again, when i look at myself i lack qualities and again, money to take care of her

and when i cannot fulfill this monetary requirement i can never get what i wanted

and i know playing games at the arcade is wasting money but i too, need a place to relieve my stress. the only place i can find momentarily joy in my life.

i envy those around who are cuddle up with my loved ones
x'mas day isn't a special day to me. its just a holiday
CNY is the time ppl around me ask me about my r/s status
valentine day is jus a day to get chocolate...if i ever get one

i have inevitably walled up myself again...facing the crowd with skin-surface joy
i need a hug, someone to tell me "its ok, you can do it"
yet im picky, and dunwan to feel that your just being sympathetic to me.
i dunwan ur sympathy, its not wad i want.
i just want the kind of care and concern guy friends cant give


wad the fuck....