been feeling rather empty up till now, i realise. i dun have much time left! in just a flash im alrdy 22 and nxt yr feb i will be 23! im alrdy taking my 1st step on the middle age phase. this is the 1st time i truly felt old...not to mention pathetic. the mere number 23 sound like the age where i shld be making money like no tml. striving to earn a stable income and sustain a family but no...im still in NS, pondering what to do with my future.

so many expectations to meet. so many conditions to fulfill.
giving up my dream to meet up with the current reality.
call my determination half fucked. YEA AND SO?
i lack neither time nor requirement for it.
i lack money to pursue
i lack time to find a job and earn an income big enough to support

and thinking of "i lack this and that" really irritates me to no end.
but then time wont jus take pity on me and stop so that i can catch up
can tell u this>
-i can a car but gt no license
but to get a license i nd to pass my TP test which in turn needed money as well
-i hope to get a girlfriend someday
but again, when i look at myself i lack qualities and again, money to take care of her

and when i cannot fulfill this monetary requirement i can never get what i wanted

and i know playing games at the arcade is wasting money but i too, need a place to relieve my stress. the only place i can find momentarily joy in my life.

i envy those around who are cuddle up with my loved ones
x'mas day isn't a special day to me. its just a holiday
CNY is the time ppl around me ask me about my r/s status
valentine day is jus a day to get chocolate...if i ever get one

i have inevitably walled up myself again...facing the crowd with skin-surface joy
i need a hug, someone to tell me "its ok, you can do it"
yet im picky, and dunwan to feel that your just being sympathetic to me.
i dunwan ur sympathy, its not wad i want.
i just want the kind of care and concern guy friends cant give


wad the fuck....

problems of me going out

what can i say....if there is nthing to talk about....there really is NOTHING to talk about...unless of cos u dun mind i spout random nonsense...which then again i dun like the fact that u jus listen and respond wif "orh, yea, hmm,ok" which makes me feel uncomfortable...to break down awkwardness only to have to rebuilt it with extra layers isn't my plan but then if we do arrive to the end of conversation what to u suggest we do?" if keeping silent is taboo when going out(though i think it is) then rest assured that im racking my brains on what kind of conversation shld i make to break down the awkward silence again...i do hope however that u are thinking the same thing as i am when we are in this kind of situation. i can be random but random topics are always short and the awkwardness will rise again even worst still, if my random topics backfired on me...i try talking about my past experience but then again thought u might not be interested and that i also feel that i shouldn't expose so much about myself to you so that you wont lose any interest in me...it would be so much easier if i can be just be myself...but then again how would you depict that side of me?

though i can be random, but then there will always be this topic i have in mind and its always the wrong topic to talk about. For example...since im in the army and being a medic, i do have stories of Emergency cases and wad happen and so on and so forth but then you(or them) might not be interested at all! for that though, i can understand. i mean not everyone is comfortable to the thought of needle poking and stories of resuscitation and sending casualties to the hospital. which is why i 1st try to tell stories then see the reaction...if the reaction is not good then i shut up and it le..though i very much wanna share it out...but the thought of ppl being forced to hear wad i wanna say jus irks me. thats why i chose to diam diam....but thats the problem cos i only gt that to share....and comes to think of it, though i have cases i can share. but those are also short stories too....so in a matter of minutes my 'topic of conversation' ended again. and so i revert back to my usual listening ear personality...cause i really dun mind hearing ur problems. im like a bottomless abyss for ppl's problems. i dunno why i like to hear ppl's frustrations...not that it makes me happy, but its like its good to hear ur problems and understand more of life bah..

so...how can i survive a date like that?

beginning my life as a medic

its been some time since i pass out as a combat medic...at 1st i feel abit disappointed by my new found vocation. since i hated going to the medical center since the start of BMT...i never once thought that i will be working in one till i ORD...i rmb i said something like this " last time i hate to go to the medical center, now i have to report there everyday" i realise that the medics i see at tekong, no doubt they are fucked up in the eyes of others. but i wonder do the other recruits know the responsibility those medics have if ever one recruit faints?

"we are those that stand in the middle of life and death.
Making a difference, saving a life."

this is wad i posted in my facebook, i had a new found inspiration in my vocation because of what i learn in SMTI...that being medics may be slack...but we carry the unseen responsibility to treat the fallen...

life is fragile

today is national day!

and so...today is national day again...and i might say...this year's fireworks display is btr than last yr.

but besides that...alot of things happen this few weeks...makes me ponder...i read alot of people's comment saying and asking why must they serve NS? well...to me serving NS means protecting my homeland. it doesnt matter if the people in my homeland is fcked up...wad matters is that the country that im born in, stays safe. other people nowadays serve NS for the sole fact that they NEED to go NS....some wants to protect the people...but are disappointed by how the citizens look at them and thus, give up that thought of motivation. i am loyal to singapore, to my country. this is something i said to myself since i was a child...national day songs give pride to me being a singaporean. though now with the influx of FTs in singapore...i hope that those locally born singaporeans will not forgt and forsake their homeland jus becos there has been an increase in foreign workers.

微笑的面具

有 一些人，他们看上去整天都很开心，笑口常开，像个无忧无虑的小孩。人多的时候他们脸上总挂着笑 容，好多人都会羡慕他们，然而这其实是他们最悲哀的地方，他们不想让别人渗透自己脆弱的一面，虽然有能力一个人独处，但内心更渴望有人陪伴，因为当夜深人 静的时候，他不知道一个 人会发生什么事，坐在窗前冥想走过的点点滴滴。

没有人读的懂他们，想着想着貌似快乐的他们就会黯然流下一脸的悲伤，然后自己对自己说：其实也没什么，命运在开的玩笑吧！所以他们就整天逼自己笑，以此来逃避那些常人所不能不承受的煎熬。

他们貌似很坚强，因为在别人看来，他们什么事都能微笑着去面对，但事实上他们长着世界上最脆弱的心灵，只是长期的伪装使得别人很难发现他们内心深处的创伤。 他们其实非常孤独，虽然看到他们时都是在跟一群人谈天说地，那是因为他们实在不能承受一个人时的折磨！

他 们只想简简单单、快快乐乐的活着，期待并且相信每个人给的笑容都是真心的，希望身边的人都是真正的喜欢自己。即使别人小小的意见，也会另他们很慎重的思 考，他们真的很介意很在乎，介意自己不讨人喜爱，达不到别人为他们画下的标准。因为，他们总是为别人想的很多，对别人总是比对自己好；把能对喜欢的人好当 做幸福，喜欢别人比喜欢自己多。

他们总是那样，前一秒还伤心的流着泪，后一秒出现在朋友面前的时候，已经满脸溢着灿烂的笑容。有人说他们是向日葵，是的，他们在意的人就像是太阳，在面对太阳的时候永远是明艳的花瓣，而太阳照不到的背面，那悲伤藏得那么好，不愿被看见。

他 们向往放纵自由的生活， 却必须为了谁很努力的朝另外的一个方向活着，很累很累，却仍是心甘情愿。离自己的梦境越来越来远，不得不面对从未想过的争夺和复杂，恐慌、不知所措。只有 面对最信赖的人时，才会卸下盔甲，委屈的流下眼泪。因为在他们心里，笑就是开心，哭就是难过，接近就是喜欢，远离就是讨厌。但其实不是，他们明白了，心好 累，眼泪就没忍住。哭过之后，笑笑得擦干眼泪，说，没关系，我可以做得更好的。

他们好像无所不能，好像总是不会有烦恼，好像什么问题都能轻而易举的解决，总是喜欢出现在流泪的人面前，笑嘻嘻的逗着笑。而面对自己的问题，他们却茫然无措，面对自己的悲伤，他们只会躲在人们看不见的角落里慢慢为自己打包扎。

他们的想法非常简单，说出来的就是心里所想的，肚子里不会拐七道八道的小弯，无心的话可能会引起别人的误解。所以，请别记恨他们，他们从不愿伤害谁，小小的错误就能让他们懊悔很久。

他 们其实非常单纯，甚至你曾经给了他一个微笑他也会一辈子记得你的好，因此他们的世界观其实也很简单，他们很容易受蛊惑 ，请不要轻易的伤害他们的感情，因为一旦伤害了，那就将永远弥补不回来！ 如果你身边有这种人请你给予他（她）那怕是凤毛麟角的那点关怀，让他（她）知道这个世界没有抛弃他们。

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gt this from one of my friend's post...and i feel that its really true. for i am that kind of person

till now still so hollowed inside

empty...jus so empty, im like a jig-saw puzzle wif a missing piece. incomplete.

i dunno...jus get on wif it

it hurts. the feeling of being powerless to lessen ur pain...when u say ur problems and i dunno hw to help u solve them, really wanted to be there when u needed company...though u always disappeared abruptly without warnings, always leave me hanging when txting. always figuring out how to remove ur daily sighs...but find that none of the things i thought worked. but then again i wonder, why am i still so cling onto u even when i know the status quo? cos i jus want you to know ur never alone because im always alone in the heart, and i dun wan u to exp the same thing as me.

the feeling when you sent smses to other ppl but no 1 replied u is crushing...rly crushing. esp when im in camp and i jus want to hear a voice of some1 thats close to me...though conversation might be short but it still somewhat soothes the heart. and the fact that it hurts and the feeling is crushing, i cant cry. or shld i say i chose not to cry because its meaningless tears, tears that wont help me change anything even if i cry, only drawing pity. saddens me yes....issit because of the way i am? i sometimes reflect to think if im a retard...and the same question keep popping out: why?

i write this post...isit because of pity? no, its because i read my dear friends posts...and this is wad i felt. even now, i...well...dunno how to describe this feeling...its alot of emotions mixed up together but i know for 1 thing i really miss her...be it talking to her or being with her...haiz...

4 more wks to POP lo!

in a blink of an eye, its jus 1mth away from POP le...time pass ever so fast when ur inside...and even faster when u are booking in haha...this BMT like the rest of the other army dudes is a very memorable one for me...the tough times we had with each other and the lepak times we had in the bunk. well...thats all i had to say for now...maybe after POP another post will be coming up ;).
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i have been slping more getting more tired easily ever since im in army. after 2200 i will get tired, perhaps its the daily routine of slping at 10pm bah...but yea it sure have effect on me, i can no longer keep myself awake till 4am(unless im slping wif my LBV on) i have lost the qualification to eat and survive at a buffet. but all this will slowly come back to me after i POP i think ;)
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sometimes i jus dun get it why ppl like to sent me msges then dun reply back....

disgruntle feelings

do u rmb the day when we gt enlisted,
1) every1 around us was singing POP or book out day like no tml
2) we look blur as they all march pass us singing army songs
3) we swore that one fine day we will get our turn to do the same to the other newly enlistees
BUT NO...
1) we were told NOT to sing book out song infront of those new enlistees
2) we kena shouted at and threatened with confinement because we shouted book out day when we having high morale(wtf much)

INSTEAD WE NEED TO....
1) sing "training to be a soldier" song infront of those newbs
2)stay quiet during our book out day...cos apparently it will lower the alrdy low morale new enlistees(-.-)

WHERE GT SO EASY CUT TRADITION ONE....