Sunday, December 30, 2012

Rented feelings

Rmb during the last post that i mention that my brother ask if i felt i belong to this family anot...i sometimes felt it, sometimes not. That is, i feel like im jus a tentant living in a rented room.except that i dun pay rent.....sometimes i rly want to gt out of the house. I am growing more and more impatient.....my patience is running thin, but i think it would take more than that to make me snapped.

But why issit that i feel like this? I dunno either....might be because im alrdy 23 and still a part timer? And wondering wad to do with my life? Might be cause im stress over how am i going to survive in singapore?

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

there is just no point.....

there is no point in arguing....
wad done is done
fight for wad....
wad am i defending for?
im in the wrong and thats it
nthing to fight for...its late alrdy
say wad u want
i dun care anymore
i want to move out of the house and be independent soon.
let me wallow in loneliness myself
my brother said he dunno how to talk to me
scared i will angry at wad he say...
very difficult to understand/know me.
really meh?
i dunno myself...
sometimes i put myself over others
sometimes i jus dun care
i am selfish, and mostly only get interested in things that affects me...other than that....i rly couldnt be bothered.
he ask if i actually cared for my family
i did, and i still care for them....
jus in a different way
but sometimes when emotions ran high
i want out.
jus to be on my own with my freedom.
ah well...
wad done is done
the least we can do is move forward
and when we look back....the road behind us alrdy disappeared.
there is nthing u can bring back...except memories.

Friday, September 14, 2012

1st step and lots of thinking

woke up at 10am this time....holy shit, i am getting worst!
decided to skip exercise for today...something i will regret but...oh wells.
stone in the morning till around afternoon, then proceed to go to work.
the feeling of being at home with nthing to do...is really getting to me.
i want to do something but the....the laziness gets the better of me.
i need to control my diet too....yesterday had dinner with dave and had jap food for dinner....so carbs are soo....sinful. then we go akb48 cafe because dessert wasnt satisfying enough ;D. im alrdy going into calorie debt liao....haiz...somemore today i never make an attempt to "repay" my debts. so now im hoping the "interest" wont roll hahaha.

i really wonder what am i going to do after i ord.
should i study?
-currently i only had a mechanical diploma with not so good results
should i go and work?
- currently aiming for a job but 1st i had to go thru the interviews 1st.
if not, what should i do?
-not in any position to go for an extended holiday vacation.
 wad is my nxt step in life?
from primary school, i look forward to : secondary school
from secondary school, i look forward to : study at poly
from poly, i look forward to : army
so after army, what should i do?

if you ask me, i want to do the things i like. and that is to be on a plane. either to pilot it or be a cabin crew is fine. and because im in the service industry for quite some time now. i really wanna try out to serve in the air.
what i really want to though, is to fly a plane. but i was restricted. by my family, by my parents.
they were under the impression that signing on in the army will not give /provide me with a good future. but then deep in my heart, i want to. at least go for the trial exams to see if i'm eligible for the pilot course. but i was disappointed to know that to be a pilot, u need to have a degree in aerodynamics....and with my diploma results, it just depress me further. im still regretting the fact that i did not sign up for the pilot course while i was in bmt....so now im stuck in this choice: where should i go and what should i do?

im beginning to hate it whenever my father ask me "wad are u going to do after u ROD? (his term of saying ORD because he cant differentiate ORD and ROD even after i have explained to him)" because, if he had not stop me from signing on, i would be training as a ME1 as an AMS technician? or that im probably will be in australia training for my pilot course. but he manage to dissuade me from signing on despite the fact that i told him that working in the airforce is counted as working experience. but being not wanting to go against him and fight even more. i relented, and so, now i face with a choice : work or study.
i want to be a pilot and fly a commercial plane. but to do that you will need alot of license. and does licenses couldnt be gotten like how u get ur driving license. if you ask me, flashing your ATPL license is at other ppl is btr than flashing ur driving license. why? because not everyone get a pilot license thats why.
so....i have my own plans. and i dun plan to let my parent feed me.
but i need to take my 1st step into the real world 1st.
and like they said, the 1st step is always the hardest step to take.
==============================================================
its always time time time and always TIME.
there is a time and place for everything and schedules are a must to keep.
priorities are given to important task at hand and last min. request will be rejected unless (e.g. somebody died, my wife went into labour, i have free time on hand, schedules are still free enough to shift and move around)

oops, too late liao, shall explain in another time. chiao XD

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

self training #1

tell myself last night i will wake up at revelie timing : 0545.
did not manage to do so.
wake up at 0700. then laze around until now.
gotta work on my discipline.

Monday, April 30, 2012

random post #1

wow, so long never post liao, suddenly see the new posting design seems so foreign lol..

anyway. its been a long time since i enlist...almost 2years le...so fast.

i feel that im losing the professionalism i once had while working before i enlist.

-treat each customer as a new guy, not customer no.2. because he has a different request from the 1st one
-dun place ur own problems onto other ppl. we all go through shit everyday, but dun take it out on the customers.
-smile whenever possible, cos it really does provide a more welcoming physical appearance
-provide help whenever possible.
-going the extra mile? no problem. (ppl appreciate ur help)
-when shit happens, focus on settling the customer's request 1st.
-and when customers start to throw shit at u, dun throw it back. things will never settle that way.





Tuesday, March 20, 2012

a tiring recollection....maybe reflection?

im tired...just so tired.
many a times i feel like i should just fuck care everything and let time past by
but i know i cant,
i know my mindset wont allow me to
i just cannot take it when there are things not done infront of me
i have the urge to finish it.
i cant just "fuck it"
i can choose to ignore, but for how long?
i cant trust myself enough to know if wad im doing is correct.
many a times i would check and recheck the mails to do if i left anything behind
i would always ask my colleagues to proof-read my mails before i send out.
to be honest, im scared of mistakes
i know thats wad that will make me learn and move forward
but that is still a mistake.
as 2 generations of medics came in already,
in a flash of an eye, im already a senior
teaching the juniors wad to do and wad not to do,
what to look out for and what expect in some certain situation
i have my own fair share of resus. exp.
i have not personally encounter a death case ( one which im directly involved) nor do i want to be in one.
i have seen patients ranging from chao kengs to unconscious patients,
those that walk in to those that have to be stretchered in.

and now, im a one year plus soldier waiting to ORD and get back my pink IC.
but it is at this critically junction that i start to ponder something i pondered real hard before i enlist.

that is :
to work 1st? or study 1st?

in my line of work as a admin medic, i handle the triage area as well as registering of patients. therefore im normally conversed well with the patients and they always ask me this question :
"when u ORD?" and " whats ur plan after u ORD?" with this, i would normally smile and say "work lo~ no uni will want me with my poly grades"

most of them would tell me to study 1st.
but then my point of view is that i need money to study uni.
my father is the sole bread winner of the family and he is retiring soon
i need to get out to society to find work and be the nxt person to provide for the family.
i actually considered signing on.
and that was during my BMT days.
i wonder what kind of life i will be leading if i sign on there and then.
right now im planning to save up to go europe with my friends.
but i truly wonder if i will be able to hit the estimated budget by the time i ORD.
so many things in my head right now.
i cant say they are useless topics but they pretty much became part of my routine.
i cant get myself to relax,
i always have this mentality that somewhere someone will attack me
and therefore i must be on guard.
i panic easily,
i am also not the type that hunger or strive for glory.
i just do wad i feel that is needed to do.
i think that im in the service line for too long le
my recent appraisal i gt from base warrant is that i have provided good "customer service" and that impresses the serviceman.

my colleagues have been making fun of me for this appraisal , my new nickname is "NSF of the mth"
i would always tell them that im not and that i dun deserve the title. because its like a team effort to get things together....but...haiz they want to give me the title then i take lo lol...

as my seniors are all nearing their ORD already, they have begun their retardation process.
so thats left with me and milfred.
good thing milfred knows how to handle admin.
i trust him enough to let him solo...
heh...
-----------------------------------------------------------


till the end, im still searching for something/someone that can fill up my life.
still looking for someone that will accept the original me.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

tiring worklife

by tml, i would have finish writing a feedback email back to ns section.
whatever happened today with the appointments, i've had enough.
today kena screwed by MO for appointments for at least 15mins to 30mins. literally had the life sucked out of me.
yesterday also the same...i hate it whenever someone just dunwan to move and make things difficult for us.
after that i take it out onto the problems with my senior medic. explaining the situation to him.



its been a difficult everyday battle in admin counter. dealing with impatient personnels is one thing, dealing with that fucked up NS section from HRMC is another.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
nowadays i get tired really easily...i know i nd rest but i also know i nd to do alot of other things...but sometimes...afternoon naps are just irresistible haha.

again, my birthday is coming again and this time i will be 23 le....time really fly. but then again, that day i wonder will i get anything that will really surprise me? i dunno, and doesnt expect much anymore.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

random entry + abit of inner thoughts of a certain someone

nothing better to do tonight. might as well blog something before i go to slp.

if i were to give myself a diagnosis as per clinical entry format. this is what it would roughly look like lol>>>

NKDA
currently well
had previous episodes of emoness
had regular recurrent memory flashbacks
has not seek any psychologist advise
claims to be normal on the outside but inner thoughts shows otherwise
has no suicidal/self harm thoughts
has no malicious intent on others unless provoked
intents to ORD in peace
make as many friends as possible

heart: s1s2
lungs: clear
tonsils not enlarged
bloodshot eyes
left right cornea normal
normal ECG

c/o:
emptiness in soul

o/e:
sad individual
low self esteem
pride damaged

plan:
recommend psy treatment
excuse duties for 3month
recommend MBIA for temp downgrade to PES E
recommend to find girlfriend during this period

pt refuse psy treatment
said that he can cope with current situation
delighted to have 3month downgrade

-------------------''----------------------------''----------------''-------------

ah well...its a load of crap anyway.
everything here revolves around money.
no money cant do anything
they say money cant buy u happiness. thats bullshit
money is a critical factor to gain happiness
cos u need money to produce the happiness u wanted.
i want a house i need : money
i want to decorate my new home : money
so...money is still a critical factor.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

gender equality? fuck this shit

read another case of teachers being blamed for being insensitive and unprofessional. and guess who is the one complaining? A FEMALE Student! of all the articles that i've read nearly all of those are complained by girls...teachers are also human, true, he may have said some rude remarks, but wad contributed him to say all those things? from MY point of view, both sides are in the wrong but i feel that the girl also need to reflect on her actions also. if its not for the fact that she said something offensive to the teacher, the teacher also wont retaliate back. its a pride thing. i call u a homo for no reason u think will you feel happy? same logic. then the media instead of balancing out both sides, instead stated that the girl said those pride damaging words "in jest". and that the teacher is in the wrong and show past articles on cases of teachers gone bad.

but hey i do the same thing to you lor! oh wait, i forgt, ur a girl, therefore u cant be wrong, u are just not sensitive to others and so just blurt it out in heat of the moment. therefore i am wrong because i retaliated and it caused damage to ur low self-esteem. PATHETIC!

the sister also question MOE how they choose their teachers. i on the other hand want to question that SISTER " instead of questioning the MOE, why dont you question ur sister also? ask her how come she can just pass snide remarks such as the words he said? sure, he use the the "fuck" so? does replacing it with "screw" makes the sentence any better? im sorry but the way i see it, you are just offended by the teacher who is an educator, role model...etc etc. but i want to remind you that he is still after all, a human being. and human being have feelings and pride. so do yourself a favour and reflect on this if you get it. good if not, then put yourself in our shoe, put yourself in the shoes of a guy who is an educator as well. there are some things we can swallow our pride and some things we couldn't . placing the blame all on the teacher is just too unfair to him. at least thats my point of view.

gender equality? screw this shit. there is no such thing as equality to begin with. nature make sure we are different. we have different physiques. there are things we can do and cannot do.

girls accidentally touch a guy and if we said "molest" we are branded as pussy and "wad the hell, she touch u leh! be happy instead can?"

a boy accidentally touch a girl and if she shout molest, the boy i can guarantee you. gone fuck le. even if he is innocent, he will be branded as a molester in the eyes of the public. no one will take pity on the guy. the guy is expected to pick himself up and suck it up.

i have no issues with girls in general, im just infuriated and fed up by on and on reports of guys being scrutinize here.

call me sexist but sometimes i feel that in most of the news reports, with the exception of rapes and obvious outrage of modesty the rest of the "crimes" shows that no doubt the guy is also wrong but he is also the victim.

i will be blunt about this : most girls in Singapore are spoilt.
girls in s'pore are too well protected to the point that they abuse the system.
all they need to do is just escalate her "cause of unjust" and everything will be solved.
in fact, the moment they reach the media, the guy lose liao...even if its a minor case of argument. the article will most likely be : " couple argues over _______, BOYFRIEND "shouted" loudly...etc etc"

i hate it whenever they say things like " the guy should have done this and do that" the fuck, WHY??! ISSIT BECAUSE OF THE SOLE FACT THAT HE IS A GOD DAMNED MALE? THAT'S WHY HE NEEDS TO DO THAT? IF THAT'S THE CASE THEN FEMALES SHOULD JUST FUCKING STAY IN THE KITCHEN! WHY? BECAUSE FUCK YOU THATS WHY! DONT ASK WHY WHEN U DEMAND THINGS TO BE DONE SOLELY BECAUSE YOU ARE A MALE/ FEMALE.

and they got the cheek to say " u sexist! i dont belong to the kitchen" yea well " neither am i ur bitch, so quit telling me to help you just because you are a girl" u want equality? god gave us hands and legs, i see u got that as well. so fucking use it" i am helping you because its my own goodwill. help do not need reason, u need help i help not because i am a guy and so its only right i help. and so you jus concentrate on ur shopping and me carrying ur bags. no fuck you. im not your bitch nor slave. get this right, i can always jus drop ur bags and just fuck off if u piss me off. the only reason why guys dun do that is because of public image. we THINK before we act. because if we dun and kick up a big fuss. WE are in trouble NOT you. you will become the victim and guy will get it from the public. the girl dun even need to do anything. and they wont even bother to ask how come the guy will explode with rage. ending with the absolute verdict "the guy is at fault"