nobody to confide to.
nobody i can trust
i cannot trust anyone who will be willing to listen yet dun speak abt it.
yes if thats the case, the wall is my best friend
it will keep mum to wad i say 4ever.
its a home i return to,
but we live in different worlds.
do i live my life base on ur dreams?
or am i just living ur dream.
i dunno wad i want
yet i dunwan to be defeated.
face with a choice now.
fly or not.
to fly might mean expensive course.
brother say this kind of course take in money only. not sustain my future.
but i will be a comercial pilot.
and that will be the only path ahead of me till i retire.
is that really the path i want to take?
i want to, i wish to. will there be a chance?
a chance without costing too much money?
several times i see my education standards and ask myself where i go wrong.
im losing my purpose in life.
yet again, im lost. im scared.
but i cant find solace in anybody.
def. not friends. cant be relatives. and even family.
the only person i trust is me.
yet sometimes i doubt myself.
that is the irony of philip.
what do i want to do?
and if i want to do it, will it implicate other ppl?
im scared of making mistakes, yet i know that lessons are not learnt without mistakes.
the 1st step is always so frightening.
i can never get used to it.
i cant find an answer to myself.
i dunwan to continue working in tds
i want to find something to do
something i like
and that might just be
flying.
question is: am i qualified?
i could i am, but others would say im not.
i value opinions of others more than myself most of the time.
and will tend to sway if theres even a little self doubt in my opinion.
i feel like a failure.
when my brother is doing better than me.
i want to get out of the house.
so as not to implicate them.
i feel like a excess lump of meat to them now.
and i want out.
i dunno why i cant depend on them.
i want to, but i cant
i cant get over the feeling of having to repay them when...u might not need to!
but is that really the case? really?
why am i living like this?
im feeling very troubled.
not motivated
no sense of urgency.
why i say so much things?
yes i have a low self esteem.
i get into the "okay lor" mood really easily.
i do not want to argue.
i will just go ur way
and if im right in the end.
hey, wad i say wouldnt salvage the situation.
wonder when's the time i have started to close off the relations i once had with my family.
should be ever since i did kind of badly during one of my education years. the dreaded parent-teacher meet.
pri 5 trauma, sec 3 dark years.
i have no right
i have no say
and i long to be free one day
unbind the chains that restrain me
unseal the seals that bind me
bestow me with energy
to live my life
and i shall be free.
lol my cant forget how my brother told me that "i dunno you"
i fail as a brother,
as a family member,
as a human being arent i?
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Dreams n goals in my life
Hhi, today i writing about my dreams and my goals in life.
Before this post, i haven't been giving this topic much thought....not as much as these few days.
When i reflect on these past 23 years of my life, i realize how insignificant i am. I am weak. I have nothing in my name. My brother who is 18 yrs old have a much better resume than me. Believe that?
People say that the hardest thing in life is taking the 1st step. I agree, but do u know wads the next hardest thing? Its how to continue forward again n again after u have fallen or stop.
In my case, i stop chasing my dream to become a pilot after i graduate from sec sch. For those may know me since sec sch, my cca i SYFC aka Singapore youth flying club. Its a very nice club n quite frankly, i really enjoy my time there. Because of this club, i got to have the experience to even touch the controls while being the co- pilot of the piper warrior II. Heh...even now when i think of this, nt everyone got to have this experience. Anyway, after i graduate from sec sch and enter poly, i decided not to join the youth fling club anymore because i found out that the school wont sponsor my PPL course. And also because i want to try out new cca...i regretted that decision abit though....but at that point of time i rly do not have the financial ability to pursue the course. Then as time passes by i slowly forgot About the PPL course.
Then i graduated from NP with a diploma in mechanical engineering. Not something that i wanted, but i had hope that i could use that diploma to get what i originally wanted : aerospace engineering because i want to touch a plane...i want to fix it. and ultimately, i want to fly it. and got enlisted in army where i spent 2 years of my life there as an nsf.
during my BMT, i had hope i can opt for the pilot course. that of course, need a degree. but wad i do not know at that point of time is. if i pass everything, the RSAF would give me a scholarship to study for the aerospace degree. and became a jet pilot. and as fate like to toy with us as always, i gt posted to Tengah Airbase as a combat medic in a medical center. thats like the closest place i can have to a real aircraft. when i heard the posting. i was exhilarated. its like i have attain one of the goals in my life : to work in an Airbase. an actual airbase.
then as months went by i got used to the life in the air base. and got a mixture of feelings about it. happy about the memories, sad about the partings, angry over those fcked up superiors and patients. and if i want to recall it now, time passes very quickly. although time seems to slow down in there. but when u look at it again. wow, 2 years have alrdy pass and i have alrdy ORD. during the few months i have before i ord, i was thinking of what am i going to do about my future? do i really want to jus scoop ice cream until i retire? no thats not wad i want. but with that exp. wad can i do with it? then at that point of time, i heard that josephine , my junior at tds, had quit tds to join SIA. and she manage to get in and now working at an air stewardess full time. i feel happy for her and thought it aint bad to follow her footstep. i ask around, mainly ask her abt the job scope. feel rly excited about it. but then it hit me, my weight is a problem. i have not been exercising and my weight had bounce back to when i havent enlist plus add afew more kilos. i started to get depress and lost my motivation. everytime i said i wanted to lose weight but its all but words. empty words. and im not proud of it. i wonder how can i improve on my self discipline.
few days ago, my father cut a advert for me to see, its about the pilot training program and it has open its intake for april. i was really ready to pounce on that chance. but then as i find out more info abt the course i realise the course is SGD$138K. yes its $138,000 for the whole course. and although it can be broken down into 9 installments and my dad said he is willing to loan me that amount. i still feel guilty abt the money.
so i search for other alternative ways to get the cadet pilot course WITHOUT using my father's money. have but the application form really hit me hard. in the education section there is nothing for me to fill cause they only accept degree holders. >.>".
this really hit home hard. do i have wad it takes to be a pilot? where did i go wrong? i lost my way ever since i gotten my results for my O lvls. its not grand. my poly GPA is chui also.
i alrdy think for far too long.
don't think, just do it.
#YOLO
hopefully, i will be more decisive, and more determined for this year onwards.
Before this post, i haven't been giving this topic much thought....not as much as these few days.
When i reflect on these past 23 years of my life, i realize how insignificant i am. I am weak. I have nothing in my name. My brother who is 18 yrs old have a much better resume than me. Believe that?
People say that the hardest thing in life is taking the 1st step. I agree, but do u know wads the next hardest thing? Its how to continue forward again n again after u have fallen or stop.
In my case, i stop chasing my dream to become a pilot after i graduate from sec sch. For those may know me since sec sch, my cca i SYFC aka Singapore youth flying club. Its a very nice club n quite frankly, i really enjoy my time there. Because of this club, i got to have the experience to even touch the controls while being the co- pilot of the piper warrior II. Heh...even now when i think of this, nt everyone got to have this experience. Anyway, after i graduate from sec sch and enter poly, i decided not to join the youth fling club anymore because i found out that the school wont sponsor my PPL course. And also because i want to try out new cca...i regretted that decision abit though....but at that point of time i rly do not have the financial ability to pursue the course. Then as time passes by i slowly forgot About the PPL course.
Then i graduated from NP with a diploma in mechanical engineering. Not something that i wanted, but i had hope that i could use that diploma to get what i originally wanted : aerospace engineering because i want to touch a plane...i want to fix it. and ultimately, i want to fly it. and got enlisted in army where i spent 2 years of my life there as an nsf.
during my BMT, i had hope i can opt for the pilot course. that of course, need a degree. but wad i do not know at that point of time is. if i pass everything, the RSAF would give me a scholarship to study for the aerospace degree. and became a jet pilot. and as fate like to toy with us as always, i gt posted to Tengah Airbase as a combat medic in a medical center. thats like the closest place i can have to a real aircraft. when i heard the posting. i was exhilarated. its like i have attain one of the goals in my life : to work in an Airbase. an actual airbase.
then as months went by i got used to the life in the air base. and got a mixture of feelings about it. happy about the memories, sad about the partings, angry over those fcked up superiors and patients. and if i want to recall it now, time passes very quickly. although time seems to slow down in there. but when u look at it again. wow, 2 years have alrdy pass and i have alrdy ORD. during the few months i have before i ord, i was thinking of what am i going to do about my future? do i really want to jus scoop ice cream until i retire? no thats not wad i want. but with that exp. wad can i do with it? then at that point of time, i heard that josephine , my junior at tds, had quit tds to join SIA. and she manage to get in and now working at an air stewardess full time. i feel happy for her and thought it aint bad to follow her footstep. i ask around, mainly ask her abt the job scope. feel rly excited about it. but then it hit me, my weight is a problem. i have not been exercising and my weight had bounce back to when i havent enlist plus add afew more kilos. i started to get depress and lost my motivation. everytime i said i wanted to lose weight but its all but words. empty words. and im not proud of it. i wonder how can i improve on my self discipline.
few days ago, my father cut a advert for me to see, its about the pilot training program and it has open its intake for april. i was really ready to pounce on that chance. but then as i find out more info abt the course i realise the course is SGD$138K. yes its $138,000 for the whole course. and although it can be broken down into 9 installments and my dad said he is willing to loan me that amount. i still feel guilty abt the money.
so i search for other alternative ways to get the cadet pilot course WITHOUT using my father's money. have but the application form really hit me hard. in the education section there is nothing for me to fill cause they only accept degree holders. >.>".
this really hit home hard. do i have wad it takes to be a pilot? where did i go wrong? i lost my way ever since i gotten my results for my O lvls. its not grand. my poly GPA is chui also.
i alrdy think for far too long.
don't think, just do it.
#YOLO
hopefully, i will be more decisive, and more determined for this year onwards.
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