jap trip...finally

recently had a pretty dam rushed proposal to go japan in jan. nice.
it will be my first time :
- in japan
- experiencing winter as it really is
- booking a budget airline
- going free and easy to a country i always wanted to go but dun have the opportunity to.
- going overseas with just friends and no one else.
- with no tour guide
- having a real vacation in almost 5yrs.


there has been earlier plans for it but was always called off because i couldn't afford it...
i dunno wad push me towards this direction. but i have decided upon it.
i realise wad it means to travel.
since im travelling, what are the things i have to settle, the relevant paperworks and such.
i would nd to inform mindef that im travelling.
i would nd to apply leave nxt yr. because i cant apply now.
and i need to save up approx 2500sgd jus in case. and to exchange for japanese yen. may be aws shine upon me. i would really nd the saving.

seems like a far cry from the last payout from my previous workplace. hopefully, i can save more. ><
i need it for my jap trip. i have mentally plan out what to do...but its in ideal stage. lol my plans often crumbles when it applies to real life situations.

but all in all, i think its a good chance for me to go relax myself...my mum have been enjoying cruise trips alot of times haha...my dad..is also thinking of vacationing...just that there is no tour available for the place he wants to go...heh...
as for me i take it as a time where i reclaim the lost experience.
finally, this whole family of 4 have gone to japan.
my bro went japan for exchange
my parents went japan for vacation
where am i? im in poly studying and doing my fyp. fml. during all those times...i miss out on all those....im determined to get even with it.

but this trip might be really worth the while to travel. :D

an overview of this year

hi all,

i am finally back here to my blog and check out the amount of dust it had gathered! *coughcough* haha.
well now, what shall i write about this time....alot has happened since my last post. where shall i start?
hmm...i think i should start off with...my final few days in TAB mdc bah.

now that im an NSmen this really takes me back :)

i have met so many kinds of ppl, face many different kind of challenges. though as much as i whine about how fcked up my nsf life is...im actually kinda nostalgic and grateful for the experience i had in TAB mdc, one of the place of memories.

prior to my ORD in nov, i am a 2IC (i was to become an IC but i was alrdy gonna ORD in nov...there is simply no point) in my admin department. and wad i do is book appointments and registering report sicks, doing paperwork for FFIs and such...replying email was a new thing to me back when i first started. but im glad i took up the skill on how to use it. anyway...those boring admin stories are quite boring and i have alrdy mentioned them before in my past posts. haha. anyway, to sum it up, i realise i have 2mths+ of off and leave to clear before i ORD and i have already comfirmed with my senior medic to put me on overseas detachment if possible. and so i was send to taiwan for 3wks in oct. haha sort of the best exp in my entire ns life i would say. that said, i nd to plan for my off and leave also. so i decided to 1 shot clear everything. and took leave on sept, nov. and 1st wk of oct. yea...im a bad senior, even my senior said so...im sorry ><.
coming bck only to do ord FFI...but i tried my best to impart everything that i know to milfred (my next in line) my junior and a capable IC. i never regretted choosing him to admin , but he regretted choosing to go into admin hahaha....but anyways, the events that followed is that after i came back from taiwan , i was preped for AFA12. YES the event that i have so waited and anticipated for the past few months is finally here!!. its my first time going to a concert, a jap one somemore. so i was very excited. had the most wonderful time of my life there.

and yes this year marks the 2nd time im going for AFA13 I<3anisong along...pity="" anime.="" are...well="" are="" concert.="" dun="" female="" friends="" have="" i="" in="" informed="" interested="" jio-ed="" much="" my="" of="" p="" pretty="" some="" that="" they="" those="" well="" xd.="">
looking forward to it AFA13!!! woots!

wad to do *shrug*

nobody to confide to.
nobody i can trust
i cannot trust anyone who will be willing to listen yet dun speak abt it.
yes if thats the case, the wall is my best friend
it will keep mum to wad i say 4ever.
its a home i return to,
but we live in different worlds.
do i live my life base on ur dreams?
or am i just living ur dream.
i dunno wad i want
yet i dunwan to be defeated.
face with a choice now.
fly or not.
to fly might mean expensive course.
brother say this kind of course take in money only. not sustain my future.
but i will be a comercial pilot.
and that will be the only path ahead of me till i retire.
is that really the path i want to take?
i want to, i wish to. will there be a chance?
a chance without costing too much money?
several times i see my education standards and ask myself where i go wrong.
im losing my purpose in life.
yet again, im lost. im scared.
but i cant find solace in anybody.
def. not friends. cant be relatives. and even family.
the only person i trust is me.
yet sometimes i doubt myself.
that is the irony of philip.
what do i want to do?
and if i want to do it, will it implicate other ppl?
im scared of making mistakes, yet i know that lessons are not learnt without mistakes.
the 1st step is always so frightening.
i can never get used to it.
i cant find an answer to myself.
i dunwan to continue working in tds
i want to find something to do
something i like
and that might just be
flying.
question is: am i qualified?
i could i am, but others would say im not.
i value opinions of others more than myself most of the time.
and will tend to sway if theres even a little self doubt in my opinion.
i feel like a failure.
when my brother is doing better than me.
i want to get out of the house.
so as not to implicate them.
i feel like a excess lump of meat to them now.
and i want out.
i dunno why i cant depend on them.
i want to, but i cant
i cant get over the feeling of having to repay them when...u might not need to!
but is that really the case? really?
why am i living like this?
im feeling very troubled.
not motivated
no sense of urgency.
why i say so much things?
yes i have a low self esteem.
i get into the "okay lor" mood really easily.
i do not want to argue.
i will just go ur way
and if im right in the end.
hey, wad i say wouldnt salvage the situation.
wonder when's the time i have started to close off the relations i once had with my family.
should be ever since i did kind of badly during one of my education years. the dreaded parent-teacher meet.
pri 5 trauma, sec 3 dark years.
i have no right
i have no say
and i long to be free one day

unbind the chains that restrain me
unseal the seals that bind me
bestow me with energy
to live my life
and i shall be free.

lol my cant forget how my brother told me that "i dunno you"
i fail as a brother,
as a family member,
as a human being arent i?

Dreams n goals in my life

Hhi, today i writing about my dreams and my goals in life.

Before this post, i haven't been giving this topic much thought....not as much as these few days.
When i reflect on these past 23 years of my life, i realize how insignificant i am. I am weak. I have nothing in my name. My brother who is 18 yrs old have a much better resume than me. Believe that?
People say that the hardest thing in life is taking the 1st step. I agree, but do u know wads the next hardest thing? Its how to continue forward again n again after u have fallen or stop.

In my case, i stop chasing my dream to become a pilot after i graduate from sec sch. For those may know me since sec sch, my cca i SYFC aka Singapore youth flying club. Its a very nice club n quite frankly, i really enjoy my time there. Because of this club, i got to have the experience to even touch the controls while being the co- pilot of the piper warrior II. Heh...even now when i think of this, nt everyone got to have this experience. Anyway, after i graduate from sec sch and enter poly, i decided not to join the youth fling club anymore because i found out that the school wont sponsor my PPL course. And also because i want to try out new cca...i regretted that decision abit though....but at that point of time i rly do not have the financial ability to pursue the course. Then as time passes by i slowly forgot About the PPL course.

Then i graduated from NP with a diploma in mechanical engineering. Not something that i wanted, but i had hope that i could use that diploma to get what i originally wanted : aerospace engineering because i want to touch a plane...i want to fix it. and ultimately, i want to fly it. and got enlisted in army where i spent 2 years of my life there as an nsf.

during my BMT, i had hope i can opt for the pilot course. that of course, need a degree. but wad i do not know at that point of time is. if i pass everything, the RSAF would give me a scholarship to study for the aerospace degree. and became a jet pilot. and as fate like to toy with us as always, i gt posted to Tengah Airbase as a combat medic in a medical center. thats like the closest place i can have to a real aircraft. when i heard the posting. i was exhilarated. its like i have attain one of the goals in my life : to work in an Airbase. an actual airbase.

then as months went by i got used to the life in the air base. and got a mixture of feelings about it. happy about the memories, sad about the partings, angry over those fcked up superiors and patients. and if i want to recall it now, time passes very quickly. although time seems to slow down in there. but when u look at it again. wow, 2 years have alrdy pass and i have alrdy ORD. during the few months i have before i ord, i was thinking of what am i going to do about my future? do i really want to jus scoop ice cream until i retire? no thats not wad i want. but with that exp. wad can i do with it? then at that point of time, i heard that josephine , my junior at tds, had quit tds to join SIA. and she manage to get in and now working at an air stewardess full time. i feel happy for her and thought it aint bad to follow her footstep. i ask around, mainly ask her abt the job scope. feel rly excited about it. but then it hit me, my weight is a problem. i have not been exercising and my weight had bounce back to when i havent enlist plus add afew more kilos. i started to get depress and lost my motivation. everytime i said i wanted to lose weight but its all but words. empty words. and im not proud of it. i wonder how can i improve on my self discipline.

few days ago, my father cut a advert for me to see, its about the pilot training program and it has open its intake for april. i was really ready to pounce on that chance. but then as i find out more info abt the course i realise the course is SGD$138K. yes its $138,000 for the whole course. and although it can be broken down into 9 installments and my dad said he is willing to loan me that amount. i still feel guilty abt the money.
so i search for other alternative ways to get the cadet pilot course WITHOUT using my father's money. have but the application form really hit me hard. in the education section there is nothing for me to fill cause they only accept degree holders. >.>".

this really hit home hard. do i have wad it takes to be a pilot? where did i go wrong? i lost my way ever since i gotten my results for my O lvls. its not grand. my poly GPA is chui also.

i alrdy think for far too long.
don't think, just do it.
#YOLO

hopefully, i will be more decisive, and more determined for this year onwards.