a tiring recollection....maybe reflection?

im tired...just so tired.
many a times i feel like i should just fuck care everything and let time past by
but i know i cant,
i know my mindset wont allow me to
i just cannot take it when there are things not done infront of me
i have the urge to finish it.
i cant just "fuck it"
i can choose to ignore, but for how long?
i cant trust myself enough to know if wad im doing is correct.
many a times i would check and recheck the mails to do if i left anything behind
i would always ask my colleagues to proof-read my mails before i send out.
to be honest, im scared of mistakes
i know thats wad that will make me learn and move forward
but that is still a mistake.
as 2 generations of medics came in already,
in a flash of an eye, im already a senior
teaching the juniors wad to do and wad not to do,
what to look out for and what expect in some certain situation
i have my own fair share of resus. exp.
i have not personally encounter a death case ( one which im directly involved) nor do i want to be in one.
i have seen patients ranging from chao kengs to unconscious patients,
those that walk in to those that have to be stretchered in.

and now, im a one year plus soldier waiting to ORD and get back my pink IC.
but it is at this critically junction that i start to ponder something i pondered real hard before i enlist.

that is :
to work 1st? or study 1st?

in my line of work as a admin medic, i handle the triage area as well as registering of patients. therefore im normally conversed well with the patients and they always ask me this question :
"when u ORD?" and " whats ur plan after u ORD?" with this, i would normally smile and say "work lo~ no uni will want me with my poly grades"

most of them would tell me to study 1st.
but then my point of view is that i need money to study uni.
my father is the sole bread winner of the family and he is retiring soon
i need to get out to society to find work and be the nxt person to provide for the family.
i actually considered signing on.
and that was during my BMT days.
i wonder what kind of life i will be leading if i sign on there and then.
right now im planning to save up to go europe with my friends.
but i truly wonder if i will be able to hit the estimated budget by the time i ORD.
so many things in my head right now.
i cant say they are useless topics but they pretty much became part of my routine.
i cant get myself to relax,
i always have this mentality that somewhere someone will attack me
and therefore i must be on guard.
i panic easily,
i am also not the type that hunger or strive for glory.
i just do wad i feel that is needed to do.
i think that im in the service line for too long le
my recent appraisal i gt from base warrant is that i have provided good "customer service" and that impresses the serviceman.

my colleagues have been making fun of me for this appraisal , my new nickname is "NSF of the mth"
i would always tell them that im not and that i dun deserve the title. because its like a team effort to get things together....but...haiz they want to give me the title then i take lo lol...

as my seniors are all nearing their ORD already, they have begun their retardation process.
so thats left with me and milfred.
good thing milfred knows how to handle admin.
i trust him enough to let him solo...
heh...
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till the end, im still searching for something/someone that can fill up my life.
still looking for someone that will accept the original me.