the 3rd day and other things that drive me crazy

Day 3,
Woke up by alarm clock at arnd 7am…check my lappy to find that I finish torrenting jay chou’s album and so I continue my usual routine and reading manga and listening to music….at abt 8.30 I prepare to go out and meet my friends but I suddenly gt stomachache and had no choice but to do big business…haiz…then I rush to meet my friend to eat breakfast b4 going to our cca and after our cca….i go my friend hse play DOTA …we pia 2 sets of game b4 taking a break watching and reading manga…lol..my favorite past-time and play another 2 sets of game b4 I go my relative hse to eat dinner…ha…oh yea….todae i sms her again wad was the her ans…this is how it goes:
(afew days ago…)
Xm: hi…sry to disturb u but im jus telling u that mr chia’s x’mas church service will be held on both morning and afternoon session…..bla…bla…bla…
Me: ok…so er…wanna go together? I mean I dun like to go to church alone…
(then after several mins have pass…)
Me: well, im SORRY to have BOTHER U then bt at the very least reply bck? Dun make me feel like an idiot waiting for ur reply, PRINCESS
Xm: sry abt that , I was taking a bath…I b going for the 1st session
Me: (repeat request…heck care of her reasons)
Xm: I see how 1st...
Me: ok then I await your answer
(todae, the day b4 the church service)
Me: so...may I have ur ans?
Xm: I b going alone
Me: right, see you tml then
Xm: you sound very unhappy as can be seen from ur previous….did I offend you?
Me: no…this is my usual expression…(later another msg)…its jus that I lose the blessing to smile that’s all
(-ideal answers-)
Me: I wonder….(ideal)
Or
Me: u have offended me right from the time when u give me that letter, u wanna noe wad happen to that letter? I burnt it to ashes…wan me to do the same to you? (anger based)
Or
Me: wad makes you think u have offended me? ( to keep on the conversation)

I have known her enough to noe that she wont reply me unless I prompt her…and if its other answer of acceptance I can understand and comply but if u say cannot…then please…PLEASE…ok..i BEG U …reply me earlier so that I dun have to waste another sms…i cant take back the things that I said and will be prepared to accept wad it was tml…but I dun like last min. things…so if u wanna go alone or wadeva bullshit excuse u came up wif…I wan to hear it at least 2 days b4 the event
This reply from her is very disturbing as I dunno whether to gt angry or to continue to talk…but its true…she is the one that wants to end it and after the incident…its either me or her will initiate the break…but wadeva the reasons…wad i said to her is still true…once u giv ur love to someone u cant gt them back…I wish her well but oso at the same time curse her for initiating at such a bad time…
If she was reading this blog right nw…I wan to make this clear:
I GO TO MR CHIA CHURCH SOLELY BECAUSE OF HONOURING MY PROMISE TO YOU THAT I WILL GO AGAIN ….DUN THINK THAT JUS BECAUSE YOU RETURN ME THE MONEY U BORROW FROM ME AND TAKE BCK THE THINGS THAT U LEFT AT MY PLACE U CAN CONSIDER URSELF CLEAR OF DEBT…LET ME TELL U STRAIGHT…U MAY HAVE TAKEN BACK THE PHYSICAL PROPERTIES BUT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO RETURN THE REN QING U OWE ME…
Let me tell u something…u have never seen me shooting other people..esp girls…and only you that I hold back completely…I dun intend to do that anymore so this is my advice to you : WATCH WAD U SAY TO ME…I may speak little but if u force me I will make u pay…psychologically….

Phew…now that I having finish shouting my problems out…I nw feel somewhat relieve le…I will be wearing formal to the event tml…there is a reason I choose morning session is becos…1st , I am wif her…whether I like it or not…2nd, its btr to fnish it in the morning than at night…3rd , basically jus cos im bored…
Its like wad my msn nickname is “to be happy is a blessing, to be sad to part of life, to be angry is normal, but to said 1st time successes…that’s ridiculous…”[I have lose my blessing to smile ever since u left me…]
I took wad I write seriously , and wad I write correspond directly to my feelings..maybe that’s y I did not go crazy…I gt a device for sharing my thoughts and I gt afew trusted friends whom I can share my problems to…I hope my judgement is right abt them.


Oh yea..in another side note…I think im dying…haha….the illness will probably be stomach cancer…if not , then it’s a slow death of dibetes or I jus think too much…haha…hope at the end of my life…I can go with a smile on my face….like this : |-)…or X-)

2nd day alone begins wif....

todae is the 2nd day of alone...lol...finally...updating everyday huh...lol...hacent done my hmwk yet...all is in the internet...practically forgtten abt it till my friend msn me and ask hw to do...haiz...dunno hw the ct went...hope i pass bah...but in any case...my food marathon ended todae not because i finish the whole thing...crazy ar...but the food could not survive any longer so i put it where it belong = the trash bag...lol..

haha...i was reading the manga "suzuka" since ysterday and it greatly reminds me of my r/s...which did not go so well....and she make sure she wasn't blame for the actions she had taken that would affect me and drop me a bomb on the very few days before common test...haha...cruel isn't it...but i have gotten over nw...wadeva memories we had in the past have become bitter and every now and then i will have those flashbacks...and i knock myself in the head to wake up...sometimes in public too....haiz...i wish it would stop..if only i could control...i shant continue more of the manga if u wan u go read lor...none of my business...haha...well..nights then tml i may update again...till then cya

signing off:
[L-@-M-E-R]

to time of hari raya haji

lol...this early post in the day...isn't normal for me bah...xD haha...but todae is the start of my 6 days of home alone...haha...

day 1:
woke up at abt 10am+ to find that its raining...i quickly went to clse the kitchen window to stop the rain from coming in...heng ar...todae's rain is not that heavy...then i prepare breakfast...steamed mantou...haha...but i havent finish my breakfast my malay neghbour knock on my door and present me wif food, i was puzzled at 1st...then rmb...HARI RAYA HAJI....lol XD...but the food they gave me was for 4 person de...and as of now..i am 1 person...so...2dae's mission: clear the 4 person value meal b4 tml XD...heres some pic of the food...yum?



this 4 plates is only the pei liao...the full course i havent show u yet...



this...is the full course...notice the 2 plates of fried rice...how the heck am i gonna finish sia....xD X_X

if u dun believe me...heres a pic of the fried rice up close :



see? wtf...i think the ants whld take abt 3mins(estimated time frame for ants 3mins = 3mths)

haha...but then on the plus side...theres chicken! :D



hmm....rendang...wow...

so...todae i can save alot of money liao...esp food wise :D

todae is the start of...home alone? LOL

todae...my family go hong kong for holiday...i did not go cos i said i may have projects...a miscalculation for me...ah well...life
's like that...hope they are enjoying right nw...wake up at the same time as them and go with them to the airport to send them off the plane...it was a strange feeling when im at the departure hall's entrance...a feeling of relieve and...i dunno hw to said this in terms of words but it feels different. i watch them from the glass wall as they check in through the departure hall, and watch them go till they are out of my view, then i figure i shld go to the viewing hall to see their plane fly...but i cant find their gate so...oh well...i gave up and went home...quite uneventful during the returning home process except that meng jio me to watch the movie "warlords" with him and vince...not a bad show actually...didnt manage to make me slp but manage to make my eyes grow red with tiredness...scared myself when i look at the mirror in the toilet...haha...in any case...todae is the 1st day of me being all alone at night....lets see how i shld spent it :D

kz...nw i think i need to slp le...my body de auto alarm clock ask me to slp le...lol...hope i be happy always... :D

signing off,
[L-@-M-E-R]

about my msn thing

this is a thing that i wan to add , and its that i have , like all of u , classify alot of different groups for our msn contacts and jsu to let u noe...i have a group name eternal prison. as the name implies, once i put u there there is no way im letting u out again...its not as if i am imprisoning u all...lol...jus that the ppl that i classify in that group are those i dun or cant forgive easily, those who have hurt me either physically or psychologically , those whom i did not authorized to add me and those whom really pissed me off.

dun worry, as of now, there is only 2 ppl in it so as u can see, out of the 50+ ppl in my msn , there is only 2 ppl in my blacklist so im not pian tai...lol...oh yea...and to add the realism i blk them

this post has no hidden meaning whatsoever,jus a little intro in my friend grouping...

i need a long break...........

its been a long time since i have written a post in my blog...alot of things have happen the past few days and im now really demoralized...and its around the common test period too....talk abt bad luck huh...but then life must still go on....though these few weeks are tiring...and though my goal and aim have been destroyed...i am still living...living to pick up the broken pieces of my aim and goal and piece it back together....i cant talk abt my problems here cos its relatively unsafe to let out...hope u dun mind...but i create this blog so that i can relief some of my burden on the net whether i gt flamed or not i dun care, u wan to read, dun be offensive ; if u dun wan to read...then dun read and surf other urls pls...

anyway , todae i have engineering mechanics test...kao the paper half the qn i noe but forgt hw to do...liao lor...then theres a part on tension where i miss 1 final crucial step to obtain...wah...regret...i think i can pass this paper la...dunwan take remedial classes during the holidays. :D tml is my engineering math ...hope i understand wad the topic is....cos i think i am losing touch with differentiation...help...haha...haiz...after tml there is still the last paper of ael...analog electronics...haiz...i may understand wad the tcher is trying to say but i cant apply it leh...it jus blurs me...haiz...

nothing eventful happen ysterday except it rain all day...wth...gloomy weather...its starting to get me down...

gloomy weather = bad omen = confidence drop = no mood go take exam = sure fail xD

last sat i go bck to school to study with my friends....was late for nearly an hr...ok...i confess, it was deliberate. but i took a cab down anyway...and we study till abt 12.30 when we end our studying and eat lunch together...the carrot cake stall fuck up our order when me and yj were discussing whether we wan black of white de...they say no black so i said nvm...then he go convey the order , but the man blur and tot he said cancel order...in the end , i go call satay beehoon and bck and the carrot cake still havent arrive...sad case...yj go ask the stall and he gt a shock that he tot we cancel our order..lol...funny sia...then after lunch we part ways...meet meng at the bus-stop(i forgt the place of it le...psps..) then we board the 174 to jurong point....cos i said i wan to play something and relief....my problems...there can be no way for me to talk of such things. i can only release it by playing and relaxing my brain...i have since felt better and wanna thank him for the company he provided. then we go tour jurong point...lol...popular took over the liberty supermarket and nw its a WHOLE lot bigger than b4...lol...then on our way home, we met our secondary school teacher, ms chew! yea...wad a coincidence , she was looking at interior designs for her new house(she is getting married,see) and she is oso one of those whom i have told my problems wif...an adult always helps...but i dunno y...i cant trust ppl that easily...one of my classmates once told me,"hey, u dun trust anyone right?,u jus trust urself"...now that i think of it..yea its kinda true...i may be able to look as if i trust u but in reality...i dun give a shit...those ppl who say that they noe me in like 3 mths is bull...i dun trust a person unless i am with contact with him/her for more than 1-2 years. and the lvl of trust i shown is different too, some i may trust them in terms of promises , others , mayb money, but in terms of private matters, i only tell those whom i really trust with, whom i 100% noe wont betray me unless i betray myself, and those are wad i may call true friends,though the phrase, "a true friend walks in when the whole world walks out" .

right now i am alone...though i have afew trusted friends to get along with...i find that i cant talk that much le...tires the mouth...lol...ever since she break with me, im alone , and i find that being alone is wad i mus do now cos r/s may be too much a thing for me le....i understand that im not that strong in all aspect...i cant protect , i cant safe, i can only destroy...but its not that i wan to destroy...things....happen and they jus dun turn out the way i wanted...or u all wanted....funny...now that i think of it...being heartless isn't a bad thing after all, being cold,u will be numb to anger n sadness. the only thing u feel once in a while is happiness, but the condition is that when u master this skill, the smile that u once knew and have may be gone forever. mayb im on the 2nd phase cos i cant bring myself to smile anymore....i wan to be the true me where i can do wadeva i wan without restriction , no 1 to nag or to gt angry with...1 might say im being oblivious to other ppl feelings, that might be true cos for the past 18 years of my life, the more i care abt other ppl's feeling,the more hurt i get and so i learn my lesson le....no more caring for other ppl....i mayb able to help out in solving ur problems but expect me to be cold and ruthless on certain consequences.

sorry that my posts are bit messy, cos i sometimes have different topic to say all at once...lol...psps... ;D