cny! a time to forgt and move on...

with an good look at the time, its 55mins away from cny!!! YAHOO!!! haha...but i do not feel happy about it, nor do i really look forward to it anymore...it has become a routine for me...this is a bad sign...but thats wad i feel. maybe its cos the day of my one and only exam is coming and i havent finish my revision yet!!! omg!! panic really sets in.

for cny is like my annual gathering of cousins. cause, normally, we go our separate ways and nver get in touch...unless we go grandmother's house. its a time for me to talk with my cousins. after all, they are with me annually for the past 18-21 yrs of my life.

the word forget. is a very funny word. cause it can make a person angry, sad, happy when used on different occasion. well....the situation now is that i said i wanna forgt. but actually, i cant. so wad do i do? i will try to break all connections. and then try to move on...the moving on part actually took less than a day. but the forgetting part is the hardest to get by.

friends i know for 5 yrs can actually show me attitude. just because i repeat a sem. A supposedly close friend of mine actually make me feel so belittled that i felt my pride have been pierced. truly, when i said i dun have true friends...this is my evidence for it.

aren't friends suppose to be there to console u when u are down?
aren't friends (especially close ones) know wad u hate the most and avoid it?
true friends are those stay when the world walks out...that is so true i believe in it 100%.
i said i dun trust ppl, thats a lie, i trust ppl too easily. so easy that i can get hurt.
casting aside snide remarks, insults shot towards me does not really harm me cos i dun really care. i will just smile and walk away. but taking in mind wad u said.

somebody once told me that in work u are being access all the time. and i fully agree cause i access my friends everyday. spotting his/her attitude, habits. i dun really take habit into heart cos, no one is perfect, i have my bad habits too. and believe me, if i list out the bad habits i have, its enuf to write a book. but i look at attitude alot. in fact, its one of the things i judge my friends everyday when i go out.

if u realise, i still say i gt friends. cos i gt alot of friends. true friends?hmm....after much reviewing. nah...im striking out a couple out of the list le.

anyway, i cant defer anymore. napha is coming, still have 6 fcking mths to go b4 i end my poly life and move on wif NS life. woot!! i alrdy know no one will come and send me off when i go tekong and honestly i dun anticipate any1 to come unless u count my family. 20th i hope i can be moved to tears...i really hope so.

and i really dun wanna care anymore. berate me and i will just say "so be it"

i know i said something horrible to her just now, but i dun wanna care le...if u wanna see attitude, im giving u one right now.

oh wow.....look at it! its now 13mins to cny!!!! haha!!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

恭喜发财，万事如意，主里蒙恩！

and

情人节快乐 !!

how come the situation is reversed?

oh well...gotta face reality...sg girls ARE like that...their standards are THAT high....did i mention that they also lack the sense of reality?.

wad is clubbing? its define as a term for wasting money on pointless drinking and dancing....socialising is jus an excuse.

wad are expectations? it is define as a form of pressure form by one's self in the hope of not disappointing other ppl.

wad are flashbacks? it is define as a form of thought of the past that flashes thru ur eyes at a random particular moment

wad are flash forwards? it is define as an ability to know the consequences of one's actions. *
* it is an ability almost that of an prediction. not much ppl have this sort of ability.

--------------------------------------

in the end, she nver did reply my qn....

riight....

today had panel presentation. nver go well...gt fucked by the panel again....this time onli i kena. yst i notice i gt a block nose and dry throat...din thought much about since its been a common illness. so i pass it off....but it got worst at nite...and by todae when i wake up, i felt a sharp pain from my head...since i just wake up, again, i pass it off as some morning sickness. as the day goes on. i got more and more feverish, but i tot its the lack of slp and more ever, i still can tahan. so b4 the presentation, me and my fyp group chiong the ppt. im doing the calculations and was rather proud to say that i have done a good job for it....but then things din turn out this way....when i went into the panel room, i was alrdy feeling quite feverish le....manage to remain standing thruout the whole presentation and shooting from the panel....b4 i go in, msg X abt my sickness and the panel, haha she reply wif a jiayou...haha..yea i needed the support...then i tot of something mischievous, something...i know she will not say and wont say though i hope that she still reply. lol...there was no reply in the end. somehow im not surprised. its just that i feel that an additional boost would do me good in terms of morale...not that im disappointed and all...as the days go by...i felt weaker by the hour....its such a miracle i can muster the strength to walk to the bus stop and catch my bus. totally tired, headache, block nose and dry throat. go back home found out that i cant log in msn....feeling sucks......then i go slp le...hoping to regain my str again....but no...my temp rose from 37.1 to 37.7 and to 38.1 deg...nice. but im still not giddy. but with a splitting headache and a test tml...i would probably faint. lol...heng its not to be...my mom dabao fried rice and some noodles for the family...call me crazy but i ate the hong hong noodles and fried rice...and so tot i will def. be in coma the nxt day for high fever...lol...instead, the fever disappear and i slowly regain strength...lol! fighting poison wif poison siol lol...anyway...she did not reply my msges and tell me to stop sending those 'weird' msg....lol...my fault. u are right...ur not my gf...i shld stop sending daily msges. i realise, that i am but an irritant. from the way i see ur social network, ur in safe hands wif ur other friends.

LOL..
searching for the chc of 5 years ago
taken from a national day song :
(who are u my country~)
where are u...my chc~
===========================
bck to the days when all i had to worry is the damned exams and homeworks
bck to the days when i can laugh it all
bck to the days when i onli have 1 commitment :sch
bck to the days when i will slack wif my friends everyday after sch
bck to the days when i have no interest for anything except for planes
but those days will never come bck again
============================
will do some soul searching and will try to prevent myself from overdoing things.

in my thinking box rewinding the today's moment

hmm....to put it simply, nthing happen todae haha...







and im an idiot...for i think i had indirectly caused someone to be sad because of my actions. im sry...its was never ur fault...its me.

some1 kill my feelings please...

jus got to know that a friend of mine got dismissed from school for a module he is repeating...sadly for the 2nd time....but its not because he fail, its cos he gt debarred. and he told me his lecturer call his mom to tell her that he(my friend) has been dismissed(expelled) from sch. well...i dunno wad to say but to say i dunno hw to help u...im sry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im sad, but i cant cry my hearts out.
i felt numbed.
as i feel the shattered pieces around me...i realise...god...are u here to make my life like shit?
for me, liking some1 is nver easy
loving some1 is harder
however...having a heart that's dead and revived just to die again....thats too much for me to take...i need a rest....a long one...the jubeat community is my hideaway now....for diff ppl and few ppl know me....i can smile on the surface....

the heaviness in my chest remains....

a twist of fate which i hate

i hate flash forwards.
i hate flashbacks
i hate visualising something good...



i am not ok...

worst off than death.
im alive yet im dead
i wanna kill yet i dunwan to lose...
i hate myself.

nuff said