wad to do *shrug*

nobody to confide to.
nobody i can trust
i cannot trust anyone who will be willing to listen yet dun speak abt it.
yes if thats the case, the wall is my best friend
it will keep mum to wad i say 4ever.
its a home i return to,
but we live in different worlds.
do i live my life base on ur dreams?
or am i just living ur dream.
i dunno wad i want
yet i dunwan to be defeated.
face with a choice now.
fly or not.
to fly might mean expensive course.
brother say this kind of course take in money only. not sustain my future.
but i will be a comercial pilot.
and that will be the only path ahead of me till i retire.
is that really the path i want to take?
i want to, i wish to. will there be a chance?
a chance without costing too much money?
several times i see my education standards and ask myself where i go wrong.
im losing my purpose in life.
yet again, im lost. im scared.
but i cant find solace in anybody.
def. not friends. cant be relatives. and even family.
the only person i trust is me.
yet sometimes i doubt myself.
that is the irony of philip.
what do i want to do?
and if i want to do it, will it implicate other ppl?
im scared of making mistakes, yet i know that lessons are not learnt without mistakes.
the 1st step is always so frightening.
i can never get used to it.
i cant find an answer to myself.
i dunwan to continue working in tds
i want to find something to do
something i like
and that might just be
flying.
question is: am i qualified?
i could i am, but others would say im not.
i value opinions of others more than myself most of the time.
and will tend to sway if theres even a little self doubt in my opinion.
i feel like a failure.
when my brother is doing better than me.
i want to get out of the house.
so as not to implicate them.
i feel like a excess lump of meat to them now.
and i want out.
i dunno why i cant depend on them.
i want to, but i cant
i cant get over the feeling of having to repay them when...u might not need to!
but is that really the case? really?
why am i living like this?
im feeling very troubled.
not motivated
no sense of urgency.
why i say so much things?
yes i have a low self esteem.
i get into the "okay lor" mood really easily.
i do not want to argue.
i will just go ur way
and if im right in the end.
hey, wad i say wouldnt salvage the situation.
wonder when's the time i have started to close off the relations i once had with my family.
should be ever since i did kind of badly during one of my education years. the dreaded parent-teacher meet.
pri 5 trauma, sec 3 dark years.
i have no right
i have no say
and i long to be free one day

unbind the chains that restrain me
unseal the seals that bind me
bestow me with energy
to live my life
and i shall be free.

lol my cant forget how my brother told me that "i dunno you"
i fail as a brother,
as a family member,
as a human being arent i?