sometimes...i dun wan to think of anything anymore...its 2 dam saddening....y...must she giv me false hope that i still have the chance y am i willing to be used by her...even though i knew...i couldn't stop myself from accepting to help her....in anything....the thing that she ask me to do...i wan to carry it out...but in my current situation...i cant do anything....as my timetables are packed....poly timetable and sec or pri sch timetables are different...u may have the day free but then u have projects to worry abt...tests to worry abt....the letter tt she ask me to print...i kept in my files in the hope that if ever i gt the time to print it out i will surely and definitely print it out...this show how important this letter is to me...wadeva the content is i dun care...but the fact tt she ask me to do something....sort of feel like i can communicate wif her like tt....cos i am in poly where else she is in sec...i dun really gt to c her everyday though i long for it so very much...
people say tt time can make one forgt the past love or sad memories...but i think its bullshit cos wadeva things u do it will be etched into the very core of ur brain...and unless u heal urself...no people....nt even time itself can help u....i hate memory flashbacks...serious...i dun like these flashbacks as i can onli see wad i had done but cant change it which i will end up regretting wad i did...or gt sad or angry or something that i am suppose to do but i did nt do....
right nw my mind is in turmoil....dunnoe wad to write and fearing that writing it out and she sees it...i dunno wad to do...this blog is suppose to be written in secret...i dun like to spread...but its ok for my msn contacts...
right nw there is alot of things i am thinking of penning....i mean typing it out...like...death...the reason y i talk abt dying so much is becos i noe for a fact that my body is gtting weaker by the minute...its nt something i wan to share it out to other people...there is no nd to go for a checkup u can feel it urself...i noe for a fact that i hate 3 possible illness waiting for me and i guess it that they are stomach cancer, kidney failure and diabetes...the 3rd 1 i think has the largest possibility as it appear to heritarity but i can cfm wif every1 nw that i have nt contacted that illness yet..haha....yes....death is a scary thing....i wonder wad the after life looks like...will it be like a spiritual other world whereby singapore is still like singapore onli diff is that onli souls lived in this world...the criminals in the other world will be also be sent to prison also known as hell...and heaven is define as a place a normal soul could live in and nt to interfere wif the living and wait for the chance to be reincarnated....lol...sound like a fairytale huh....i hope that wad i say is correct bah...lol...watch too many shinigami or death god shows le...some to think of it....i wonder wad is the conditions to be a death god....must u 1st understand the value of life itself b4 u take it away from the physical body?
the things that i have receive from her as presents...i have treasure them well...here is afew :
-a plush toy turtle...kept wif me ever since show that she is always wif me wherever i am
-a puzzle....done halfway through but i did nt have the time to finish it through...kept it to remind myself that i will complete the puzzle
-an aircraft carrier...this is the 2nd most precious item i had...the 1st is the turtle...this aircraft carrier....is made by her and her alone...i am realli touch and happy by wad she did...now now....i really do sound like a girl nw...i shld be the 1 tt make things that could make her feel touched by wad i did...but then while reflecting on myself...i found out that i noe nthing...nthing....wad right do i have to love...wad rights...to i have......all in all im nt qualify....tt is y..i am thriving to learnt jap to learn anything new....but....haiz...i dunno wad to say liao.....mayb i will write again tml...depends on my mood...
and i really hope that the relationship between him and her is just friends.....i cant.....really cant ...take another blow abt this....sua...i go slp...tml update again....
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