stuffed up...

this week is emo week for me...the result release day is gtting onto me,im not afraid of my results...im afraid my nxt course of action depending on my result...then comes the sense of uselessness, disappointment and the heavy pressure...just yesterday...i had a dream, i dreamt thati failed my exams and was kicked out of sch...my family cannot believe it, im saddened, i wanna cry but somehow my tears just dun come out...then suddenly i was in another place, i was confessing to her, but she said no, then say"looks like we can no longer be friends" i stone there and said to myself"gg" then i gt transported back again...to my result....this time, its me, during the driving lesson, i was so nervous abt the result i totally lost control over my hands...till now i experience it...my hands shake....i dunno hw to control them...i dunno...i dunno...i dunno.....THEN i woke up...my heart is beating very fast...as though my soul was abruptly pulled back and smack heart 1st back into my body...i woke up panting, im worried sick...i wanna go out...but then aways change plans....my heart is aching...really...some1 pls find a salvation...relieve me from this ache...thats coming from my stuffed up feelings.....my heart feels empty, my heart tells me that i really need a companion...my instinct told me to get a gf FAST....but my mind puts a stop to all this saying "this is not the time yet..." i dun normally have this kind of feeling...till im 18 yrs old...im a carefree guy who lives on his own ways, feels happy wif his friends around and worried abt exam results....no more...nw im a sadden idiot...this wk pls get it over pls! get it done and get it over wif....ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna cry...i really do...but somehow my heart dun allow me to cry unless im wif her....im not so sure y am i like this? normally my floodgates will open very easily...mayb cos i dunwan cry infront of my family members...i dunwan them to worry. i rather cry infront of friends than cry infront of family....i rather lost face infront of friends rather than lose face infront of my family, y? cos friends can be replaced....new friends will come along as we grow up...im in the stage where i dun care if my impression to the others is bad anot liao...i dun care le...cos i really feel i cant do anything...cant even do simple things like confessing...therefore everything i want to do and manage to do it is all in my mind, its so real, that my heart would stop aching...cos i really feel blissed...omgomg...i nd u , i want u! i love u! but i dunno if im able to be able to sustain wif u.....cos in terms of status quo. i am beneath u...this i feel im not good enuf for u...u said i still can go uni? forgt it...wif gpa 1+....i can dream on...